As I sit here in my room listening to Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” while awaiting a phone interview that could potentially be a game-changer for me, my mind dwells of times past, current, future and may never be…as I sit deep in thought, I receive a text. Granted, I receive text messages quite often from numerous people, yet this one particular text stood out to me. While the question asked is a common one, it stood glaringly within my thoughts for quite a while after the question was posed…the question asked was “What’s your biggest fear?”

That question is not foreign to me, yet it affected me more than it ever has before…why I ask myself? Then I hearken back to times past…times in which I would often ask/remind myself of my greatest fear. The thing about my greatest fear is that it is a major part of me, my psyche, who I was, who I am, who I strive to be…before I divulge any further into my fear, I might as well say what it is.

Most individuals harbor fears of losing loved ones, themselves, material wealth, social status, etc…my fear is much larger than that (in my opinion)…it encompasses so much, yet it is not made clearly known to most people that know me. My greatest fear, the one that haunts yet drives me daily is my fear of failure.

My life is centered on the goals/milestones that I set for myself. Things that I have accomplished such as graduating high school, going to college, becoming President of Alpha Kappa Psi, graduating from college, making a positive impact in people’s lives…along with things that I have yet to accomplish such as make an even greater impact in many people’s lives, help many less fortunate than myself, travel the world, secure a future in something that I truly want to do, find the right woman for me, etc…are all goals that have helped to define me as the man that I am today. Yet those exact goals, those goals that define me, also breathe life to my largest fear of all. 

My consistent goal-setting and ambition gives more power to my fear of not succeeding and losing it all. While my health and mortality is a constant worry of mine (as shared by many other people), it is minute in comparison to my fear of failure. My fear of failure is not solely driven from my desire to want to do good for not only myself, but my family and people less fortunate than me, no it is much more than that to me. The best way to truly understand what I mean is to go back in time a little.

Growing up as the eldest of 3 children born to (legal) immigrants from an island nation that is neither a third nor first world country…I grew up with a lot of pressure and expectations. Those expectations and pressures were never an issue for me however, because not only were my parents always loving and supportive, but I personally loved the pressure and expectations. I craved the constant chance to test myself and further harness and improve upon my own personal capabilities, as I still do to this day. I knew that the day would always come in which I would have an opportunity to truly make a difference, yet I knew that there would be many obstacles to overcome and crucial decisions to make as well. Yet I was always readily prepared for them. So therefore, I grew up with a constant belief in myself and my capabilities, which sometimes border-lined arrogance.

My first true brush with my ultimate fear was at the end of my first semester in college. My own self-confidence almost caused me to lose it all. I, thinking that I could go out and pleasure myself of the (legal) experiences that Miami had to offer, chose to forgo my schoolwork and personal studies for days and nights of fun because I thought that I could, as I did in high school, allow my brain to push me by successfully with flying colors as I did throughout my elementary, middle & high school career. Man, was I wrong. My grades suffered for the first time in my life, and my parents noticed it. I’ll never forget that the call at night that I received from my parents…my mother crying and audibly upset along with my father’s disappointment…I honestly would have rather them to just simply yell and be angry with them, but their obvious disappointment in me cut me the deepest. I being a good child, have never truly witnessed my parents’ disappointment in me…so it really hit home.

I then began to think, think about how my parents, spent so much of their personal wealth, money that they could have easily used to do even more greater things for themselves…yet they used this to do things for me such as buy whatever reading books I wanted, paying for my Tang Soo Do karate lessons for over 10 years, and then paying for me to not only go to college in Miami, but for me to live comfortably down there and to never have want nor need for food or anything of the sort, yet I was so close to throwing that all down the drain for some pointless fun…

I thought of how I would feel if I were to not able to make my ambitions a reality, how I would feel if I were to fail. That was my first true brush with my ultimate fear. This now brings me back to days of present, with me sitting in my thinking chair listening to “Moonlight Sonata” while waiting for the phone to ring.

I have, and know of so many people, that truly believe in me, people that look up to and admire me, people that invest in me (both emotionally and etc). Random people that I may briefly meet and converse with in the street, or airport, or NYC train, or other random locales that I have been to have told me, after speaking with me, statements along the line of “Wow, young man, you have truly inspired me.”, “You have completely exceeded my initial, and misguided, expectations of you.”, or one of the more common sayings “I know that you will accomplish great things”, “You will be a great leader one day”…statements like these drive me, yet also grant more power to my fear. Not only do I have friends, and family,   and neighbors, and fraternity brothers, and classmates, and coworkers that believe me in me, but also random people as well. I can’t stand to let them, and as a result, myself down.

However, taking all of those things into consideration, it won’t happen. If I fail, not only do I fail them, but I fail myself as well. And as I mentioned before, I absolutely, positively refuse to allow that to happen. Granted, I know that things will be tough, and that I may not accomplish everything that I strive and set out to do. Some plans/goals may fail, and some may change, yet I will do my absolute best to ensure that, as I like to quote (one of my personal favorites) one of my favorite philosophers Niccolò Machiavelli: 

“The end justifies the means.”

Within my recent years of life, I have come across this interesting yet true revelation. That even in the darkest of times, there is always a beacon of light, a glimmer of hope. My little Misato/Meishing Pang reminded me of that when she presented her paddle, one that she spent long days and nights painting and carving with tools to serve as an everlasting reminder that not only will there always be a light to be found (hope) in the midst of seemingly-imperishable darkness, but I have actually been that glimmer of light in someone’s life, hers. Most people may not have noticed the true meaning of those words that she spoke to me when she presented her paddle to me, but I did…when she told me that I was her beacon of light (just like a candlestick, which she presented to me) through her dark times within her pledge process, those words empowered me in a way that I didn’t think possible. Those words & this candlestick: 

are a constant source of strength and motivation for me, and I will eternally be grateful to her for her belief in me and this truly thoughtful/amazing paddle. 

I will always remember that my greatest fear is also my greatest motivator. My fear of losing it all will forever drive me to continuously hone and improve upon my skills. I will continue to be that lone lighthouse shining its beacon of light in the midst of a raging storm with dangerous waters for whoever may get lost within the darkness. I cannot and will not give up, and neither shall any of you in whatever personal struggles that you may encounter!

I will now bring this post to a close with another personal favorite quote of mine; this one was delivered by Winston Churchill in a speech that was given in regards to the WWII British victory during the Second Battle of El Alamein in Egypt on November, 1942. 

“Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

This victory came at a time in which the British were losing to the Nazis (and later the Italians under Mussolini as well) on every front, France collapsed and was thus surrendered to the Nazis, an impending invasion of the British Isles by the Germans was underway, and British morale was at an all-time low. The war seemed lost for many Brits and many Allied nations, yet they “kept calm and carried on“. The Second Battle of El Alamein in Egypt was the first significant land victory by British forces, but it paved the way for much larger turning points in the war. It led to the invasion of Italy and Sicily which caused the fall of Fascist/Mussolini Italy, and later the rest of the Axis. After all was said and done, the end did justify the means. Despite the possible inevitability and fear of losing it all, the British pressed on despite the seemingly overwhelming odds. Churchill’s words proved true. It was indeed not the end nor the beginning of the end. But it was most definitely the end of the beginning. Allow those words to resonate through you whenever you encounter a difficult time in life, and I am certain that you too, will find a way to “Keep Calm and Carry On”.